tv North Carolina News at 1100PM CBS November 22, 2016 11:00pm-11:35pm EST
thank you, that's very nice of you. wow, what a nice crowd. i don't know-- i don't know how to tell you this, but i think your-- i think your heartburn just set off our smoke detectors. [ laughter ] usually when people come after thanksgiving, they're a little logey, but you sound good tonight. thank you for coming. hope you had a happy thanksgiving. you had your turkey last night. you had your lasagna. >> right here. >> he has lasagna. trad family is lasagna. >> yeah, that's right. >> you are-- you're a big eater. not over, but you're a big guy. ed, last night, had so much gas that reagan re-flagged him and gave him a navy escort home. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter ] what am i laughing--
i had a fun thanksgiving, i'll be honest. i love that holiday. i gathered all my relatives together, and for laughs, i carved my nephews out of the will. [ laughter ] i hope you don't mind comedy leftovers tonight. i mean, it's the day after thanksgiving. did you-- now, you're gonna eat turkey for a while, right? >> right. >> mine-- when i was a kid, we would have a big turkey, and we would have turkey for a long time. we would have turkey soup. my mother would make turkey hash. then there was turkey salad, and when it got really cold in the winter my mother would make giblet earmuffs. [ laughter ] let us be thankful for the jokes you are about to receive, folks. why is it that people pig out? why do they overeat on the holidays? you know you're gonna feel lousy. give you an idea-- when martha raye was sleeping
in the dining room. [ laughter ] and that's ridiculous. but here's-- here's some interesting news. it just came out in the paper today, a major scientific study indicated that eating turkey had extraordinary effects. did you know that? it's good for ya. surgeon general says that it prolongs life, enhances intelligence, increases your sex drive, but... unfortunately its effects are wiped out completely by cer [ laughter ] the president and his family i think are at the ranch around santa barbara. they had a touching thanksgiving scene. reagan didn't actually kill the bird himself. what he does-- he hands the bird an axe and says, "well, if you wanna cut off "your own head, i won't "stand in your way." [ applause ]
reagan's turkey knew he didn't have long to live, though, because moments before the end, reagan said he was sticking with his nominee. turkey knew he was a goner. hey, you know what-- you know what is four weeks from today? i'll give you a hint. ho-ho-ho. that's right, you guessed, sir. it's mel tillis trying to reserve a hotel room. [ laughter ] the bakkers were in the news again, jim and tammy bakker. they were on "entertainment tonight," a few nights ago. did you see that? she came by my house, she said, and left me a note in the mailbox. tammy bakker! and for all the things i say about her, she comes up
and she said what she really wanted in life, she wanted to get a job as a spokesperson for a cosmetics company. phew. well, she finally got it. she's going to be a spokesperson for andy granatelli's 40 weight mascara. [ cheers and applause ] are on vacation out here, and probably you are thinking about christmas shopping. you should go into beverly hills and go to rodeo drive, pick up some really great bargains there. rodeo drive in beverly hills is having their big day after thanksgiving day sale, where everything is priced 40 percent off their regular thousand percent markup. [ laughter ] have you been in some of those stores? do you shop in those stores?
[ laughter ] and i said to the clerk, "how much is the beautiful tie in the window?" and he said, "can you afford "the monthly payments?" a tie. [ laughter ] ha-ha-ha yourself. my nephew trying to punch up his job. anyway... are you-- i don't wanna put the christmas season down, but it starts earlier every year, and there are a lot of specials coming up, and by the time you get to christmas, you've gonna about had it up to here. are you getting a little t specials they have? you know what i'd like to see just once? and i'll get letters for this, but-- i'd like to see alvin and the chipmunks get flattened on the freeway by an 18 wheeler. [ laughter ] [ applause ] now, that's a joke. don't write. the kids are sitting at home-- "oh, the chipmunks." [ laughter ] now, let me point out when i
he's a dear friend. but, i don't think i can see james stewart in "it's a wonderful life," i mean it, one more time. even the angel clarence is sick of it. [ laughter ] last night he came down from heaven and pushed stewart off the bridge. [ laughter ] i'm-i'm-i'm sorry, jim. i had to do that. cable tv is now doing christmas specials. have you seen pat buchanan on "crossfire?" wonderful christmas special. questions like, "all right, "what's with the red suit, "you big fat commie?" [ laughter ] pat buchanan on cable. shoulda done that joke on cable. dolls are big this year. >> oh! >> what happened to the cabbage patch doll? is that old hat? >> that's out. >> what's the big, hot-- >> teddy ruxpin. >> kenny ruspick, the talking teddy bear? that's still big this year?
there's a pee wee herman doll? [ laughter ] have you seen, seriously, the new jim and tammy dolls? [ laughter ] you wind 'em up... [ laughter ] tammy goes shopping, and jim makes a move on barbie. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] and the jerry falwell doll takes over the box. anyway, you're in a good mood. we got great show for you tonight. we have a doozy tonight. a doozy? mr. david steinberg, one of the cleverest man in the business. [ applause ] the comedienne making her first appearance on "the tonight show," her name is jann karam. jan is with us. and an interesting story,
rollment deadline is just a few weeks away. changes to medicare plans could impact your healthcare costs. are you getting all the benefits available to you? new plans are now available that could increase your benefits and lower how much you pay out of pocket. to update your coverage- or enroll for the first time -- call healthmarkets. we'll help you make sure you have the right medicare plan. hi, i'm doctor martin gizzi. it's a new medicare year. that means more changes... and more confusion. start by asking ... what kind of care is best for your current situation? have there been changes in your health or medications? the key question is: what can you do now, to ensure you get the care you need in the coming year? to find the coverage you need, call healthmarkets today. new medicare plans in your area may offer better coverage and lower costs. healthmarkets has access to thousands of medicare options from leading insurance companies nationwide.
with more choices... like dental and vision care. and the freedom to choose your own doctors. all at a price you can afford. we help find the right plan for you. and we do it at no cost. there were so many benefits i wasn't taking advantage of. healthmarkets can find me the right plan. and their service doesn't cost a cent. when i try shopping on my own, i get nowhere fast. healthmarkets takes away the confusion. too often i see my patients paying more than they need to because they make sure you have what you need to get the care that's right for you. you have only a few weeks left. if you miss the deadline, you may have to wait another year before enrolling. call a licensed healthmarkets' agent now. call now. call this number by the deadline... and let healthmarkets find the right medicare plan for you - without cost or obligation.
[ music ] >> good, thanks. happy day after. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. happy day after thanksgiving. >> yes, sir. >> you have a nice one? >> nice one, very nice. >> today, i guess, is for retailers, or shop owners, is supposed to be the busiest day of the year for shopping. i guess they kind of calibrate how the season is gonna go by what happens today. according to the news, a lot of people thought
so ago, there was gonna be a disaster. apparently people around there, spending their money like crazy. how many of you are going shopping just like you did last year? to hell with it. [ applause ] you know, you might as well. the big one may come tomorrow. you might as well go out and do it. anyway, i guess the shopping malls were full today, and this is what is called "the daily news." came out thursday, november the 26. this was a gift guide. this is the paper, and look at the flyers. >> gee. >> i can't find the news anymore when you get the paper. by the time you get through what they call these-- what do they call these? blow-ins or something? or insert sheets, these are all from different advertisers. this is just from one local paper for gift-giving. uh, this year, according to figures, american families will spend an average of-- what would you guess, on a christmas gift? now, don't-- the average american family? what do you think they would spend on a christmas gift? >> a couple hundred dollars.
see, you did it again. you know it-- you know it's more than that, usually, so you did the old thing about underplaying it, didn't you? >> i always do it. >> i know it. >> and i'll keep doing it. >> they say about $380. >> i was thinking about that. [ laughter ] >> why didn't you say that? >> i didn't want to hit it right on the nose. they'd think we planned it. >> and the average american-- the average american relative is gonna spend $10 on gas returning most of those gifts. [ laughter ] now, a lot of stores, already, because they were a little leary of what was gonna happen, have already started discounting you know, they're cutting 'em back, and the people are showing up. so what we did, we found-- here it is, right here. the southern california shopping guide. now only in southern california would they have really unique, and i can't say really unique, can i? i have to say "unique." is that correct english? because unique needs no qualifier? >> that's right. >> it's either unique or it's not unique. >> that's about right. [ laughter ] >> i think right-- yeah.
in southern cal-- if you're gonna stick around for a few days, here's some rather strange shops. for example, let's just take a look in this thing that graphics made up for us. we're not trying-- >> just pick any page. >> we're not trying-- we do this to make it-- see this, we-- a little production value for the comedy here. >> right. >> we actually go over and say, "guys, make us a thing that "says 'southern california "shopping guide.'" coulda read 'em off the paper, but this gives it a little production. let's see what is happening. now here's a shop for people, only in southern cali, o it's a past lives plumber. it's called "here we go again." oh, boy. ooh, boy. ooh, boy, oh, boy. >> graphics did this for us, huh? >> yes. here's a store that specializes in gifts for the only child called "toys r i." [ laughter ] see, i should have started with that.
in west covina, there's the dehydrated pet store. now, listen. they sell pit bouillon cubes. [ laughter ] if somebody tries to break into your house, you pop one into a cup of boiling water. [ laughter ] there's a shopping center right here in the valley that rents space to plastic surgeons. you walk into one end, and when you leave the other end, you look completely different. it's calle marginal, marginal. i'm trying to get the biggies here. here's an unusual one. maybe not amusing, but unusual called the pickpocket's plaza. there are no stores, just hundreds of mannequins with merchandise in their clothing, and it's for pickpockets, you see, who go through-- >> you're picking out the big ones?
>> do we have those, uh, foreign commercials also tonight? we also had some foreign commercials we were gonna use in case this didn't go. we do have those? get ready for them. all you robbers might be interested to know, today is the one day of the year that 7-11 operators can open the safe. [ laughter ] there's a store with a very limited appeal, and i also humorous appeal. it sells puppet neckwear. it's called... [ laughter ] casa de doody. [ laughter ] it's a male clothing store for underworld figures, crooks brothers. they make coats that automatically pull over your head when you walk out of a courtroom. we're talking about dolls-- here's a talking doll store
it has a doll that hasn't yet learned to walk or talk. it's called "little miss underachiever." [ laughter ] if that one doesn't do it, the rest are in real trouble. [ laughter ] see if there's anything here-- hmm... toys r us is unloading its remaining stock of the special sylvester stallone edition of scrabble, which has only two letters-- y and o. [ laughter ] yo. >> yo. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i know you're trying to make me feel good, but that's just to set up the foreign commercials. we do have those, don't we? >> yes, sir, we have. >> are you saying you don't want me to run them? are they any good, pete? i'm asking peter and sally. are they good? >> yeah. they're even funny.
are they? >> amusing. >> relatively, are they funnier than this piece of material? what? >> no. >> oh, come on. they're not more amusing than this? well, all we have-- well, let's show these. they're interesting. from time to time, we bring you some of the funniest and most interesting commercials... >> no, problem, sir. they're ready. >> thank you. >> thank god! [ laughter ] >> fred was talking to our booth, saying, "he's ro we have five of the winners of the international advertising film festival. now, these commercials are from england, new zealand, and norway, and they were, um, provided by screen vision cinema network, america's only cinema advertising network. i have not seen these myself, but mr. lassally and mr. de cordova have assured me that these are very amusing-- and their jobs hang in the balance.
look at the monitor, and we'll see if they're-- if they're semi-amusing. [ laughter ] [ music ] >> it's got to be kaiser. kaiser, a great beer. ug [ applause ] >> now, we're talking. >> in fact, you could be looking at the next divisional branch manager. >> oh, that's nice, dear. >> oh, stevens reckons i've got a very bright future with the company. >> do you worry about minor mishaps around the home? with loc from amway, you can remove virtually any stain. [ indistinct chatter ] >> ... a bit of promotion in the next year around,
as well. >> that's nice, dear. >> loc leaves you spotless. to get your bottle, call this number. someone will be happy to speak with you. [ glass breaking ] [ speaking foreign language ] [ dog whining ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> now we're talking. [ applause ] those are funny. okay, in a moment, david steinberg, jann karam, and don yesso will join us. stay where you are.
david is a director. speaking of commercials, which we just saw, he might have some observations on this. he's won a-a clio award, which is the highest award you can get for work in television commercials. he directs television shows like "the bob newhart show," "valerie's family--" always a good guest. would you welcome mr. david steinberg. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] we can talk about that, because you've done a lot of commercial . >> i sure have. >> would american television let you do the commercial with the men standing at the urinals? >> oh, no. >> it wasn't in bad taste. i mean, it was very funny. >> no, no. >> but i don't think we could do that in this country. >> no, they would say that would make the beer seem like it has a direct result. you know, they research everything in america. >> yeah. >> so, no, they wouldn't do that. and they would say the guy was too short, the guy standing at the urinal. >> yeah. >> the guy who drinks our beer has to be perfect, you know.
>> there's material they found out that sometimes that the most popular commercials that people talk about sometimes don't necessarily sell the product. there have been cases in history where people say, "gee, that's "a funny commercial." and then you say, "well, what was the product?" they say, "yeah, that's-- "what beer was that? "or what so-and-so--" and they can't put it together. >> yeah, they're not sure that humor really sells the commercial yet, because people really remember the joke, and they don't quite remember the commercial. but those commercials are wonderful. >> yeah. >> and i just think that if the american clients, you know, who sort of buy these spots would trust them a little bit more, they would go over here, too. they just hedge, you know. they get nervous. >> well, let me-- let me take a poll, just for the fun of it. now, be honest. we're not gonna put a camera on you. how many of the pe-- anybody in the audience that found that commercial with the gentlemen in the men's room distasteful or out of line at all? >> no way. >> you see? you gotta trust-- i think people make pretty good judgements on these things. they underestimate the-- >> yeah, they would research it, and you know, they would say it just, uh-- >> you know, we had one
marvelous, from japan, and it was for a soap, and they had all these little japanese boys. they couldn't have been four or five, and they shot 'em from the back, and they were all in the buff. at that age, they were so cute, and they all walked in and they got into this steaming tub of hot water, and they're all sitting there in a circle, and these little faces, and all of a sudden, you saw one little bubble come up. and they took the next shot, and one little kid was sitting all by himself, and everybody else was over there. innocent commercial. >> wonderful. >> and they were selling soap, and that's all it was. and it was-- they'd never do that in this country. >> no, they wouldn't. i work with kids a lot. you're forced into working with kids a lot in commercials. >> are they little monsters to work with? >> no, they're not monsters, but they're not actors. they're kids. i did a commercial for, i don't wanna mention the product, but it was with dom deluise, and we had a four year old little girl that i chose. i thought she was just great.
and she was just as charming as could be. well, dom started to play with her, and got her all riled up, and she was all-- they were playing and having a wonderful time, and i couldn't get them to do any-- i couldn't get her to do any of the lines. we needed like fifteen seconds, and it wasn't happening, so really what you do with a kid is you sort of break the set and you play. but the clients were only used to working with actors, so one of the guys came up. you know, you like-- the clients are, like, four guys who sha usually. [ laughter ] >> time sharing? [ laughter ] >> you don't even know how to deal with these guys, you know? and this guy came up to me as i was talking to this little girl. i adored her. and he said, "what are her credits?" >> oh, you're kidding. >> now, the girl's four years old. i said, "well, she learned "to walk three years ago." [ laughter ] >> went on to stanislavski on the road. something like that? >> that's right. she's studying "war and peace." worked with marlon brando
>> "what are her credits?" >> yeah, "what are her credits?" a four year old girl. but, no, they're not as advanced here as they used to be. at a time, they were doing commercials like that. they might-- >> i finally saw. television had a breakthrough finally, this year. they had an actual, live model wearing a brassiere-- i mean, a woman had a brassiere on. that was not allowed on television. personally, they look dumber and more obscene when they were on those dumb mannequins. you know, this wooden body wearing a bra, and you don't see many of that around. >> no. >> we finally made a big breakthrough. >> well, why they made the rule that you couldn't brassieres is also odd, you know. >> yeah. >> i mean, you see so much more, you know? >> well, we're gonna come back and talk some more, and some more, and some more. and all kinds of things.
[ applause ] i understand you finally, uh, you finally went the route and bought a satellite dish. >> a dish. i've got a dish. >> yeah, that's a big thing now. >> yeah. well, for someone like me, it's a necessity. >> yeah. >> 'cause i watch everything that's out there. >> there's a lot of stuff out there on satellite, and a lot of it, not great. >> well, you're like 150 channels, and nothing to watch. >> somebody once said, you know, get a satellite dish, and it's amazing. you can watch all the movies for $40 a month that you wouldn't go and normally see for $5 are now getting on satellite. >> it's true. it's really true-- well, i watch "the tonight show." you know, i get the-- i get the feed from romania or something. >> you pick it up at 8:30 when you go back to new york. >> i pick it up sometimes before you even do it. >> oh, you got the advance dish. >> i got the advance. i got the one that you don't have. you have a dish, don't you? >> yeah. i think they're fun. >> they're great fun, yeah. >> what's funny is you can sit there some night and keep going from satellite to satellite, and not find something you wanna watch. >> well, when i get it,
>> whether you want it or not. >> whether you want it-- sometimes it's just shows that are everywhere. "alf" was one of them. here, when i was on the cable, i would always get "the chosen," you know? with, uh, with guy with the earlocks, you know, and just everywhere i turned i got this guy standing there, you know, and now i get "alf" on the dish. but it's great, when you watch the political-- now, i like to watch them sitting there waiting to go on. that's the great advantage of the dish. >> for people that don't know, if you have a dish, very often you see them prior to the newscasters, they actually go out to transmit it to the networks, and you see them in the newsroom, and sometimes you hear some interesting dialogue. >> oh, yeah, you can hear them talking, hear lots of jokes. it's great fun. i watch the debates. i watch all the candidates. they're just too much fun, and, uh, i watch buckley. buckley was kind of interesting because he asked them all sort of barbara walters type questions. you know, not-- if i were a fire hydrant and you were a dog. [ laughter ] but it was, he said, "if you had a--
"who would it be?" i guess he was trying to find out who these people respect. >> that's not a bad question. >> yeah, and they all came up with lincoln, or washington, and all that, but i was thinking that no one gets to ask meese that question. you know, now meese had claimed, in the iran contra report, said he couldn't remember 120 times. so i have a feeling the picture that he's got up there is of alzheimer. [ laughter ] 120 times. and of course probably has pinocchio's picture up there. [ laughter ] he lied, but he can't quite remember. so it's great fun. i mean, the political situation, i still-- i can't get over the ginsburg marijuana thing. that is a triumphant moment for comedians. >> yeah. >> really, i mean, when you hear that a guy who's running for
that's just breathtaking stuff. what i like is not so much that he smoked the joint-- who cares about that? it's the next day all the democratic candidates admitted that they had done it, you know? because they were worried their friends were gonna, you know, sort of rat on them. >> yeah, they wanted to open up and show that, "hey, "i'm just an average guy, too." >> an average guy. >> yeah. >> but, like albert gore said, he smoked, but he didn't enjoy it. [ laughter ] >> the word they use that i love, they "experimented" with it. >> i experimented with it. >> >> i didn't enjoy it-- and the press is, you know, they reported this. i mean, the guy is running for the presidency. you know, what is he gonna say? "wow, what a rush?" [ laughter ] >> man. [ laughter ] >> what an evening. >> but i love that rush to confession. >> yeah, they all are. >> poor george bush was running around trying to find something, you know? finally came up with he had torn that tag off the mattress that says, "do not, "under penalty of law--" you know, but nobody picked
>> speaking of bill buckley, i asked bill buckley some years ago if had ever smoked, just out of the blue. i said, "did you ever "smoke marijuana?" and there was this pause, and buckley said, he says, "yes, once, on my boat, "but we were outside "the three mile limit." [ laughter ] sure! >> oh, sure. >> right, like he had a-a sextant there. "okay, guys, three miles." we'll be right back. [ applause ] exactly what he said. >> but he didn't enjoy it.